


Next To Me

by tsundo



Category: The Transformers (IDW Generation One), Transformers - All Media Types
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-04
Updated: 2020-03-16
Packaged: 2021-01-22 20:33:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21308198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tsundo/pseuds/tsundo
Summary: Shockwave regains their emotions, but at what cost? The pain, the regret, the GUILT, is overwhelming and it threatens to suffocate them. It's a new world and era for Cybertron, the war is finally over, the Autobots and Decepticons even have come to a truce and rebuilding efforts have allowed for many neutral Cybertronians to call the planet their home again. Shockwave and many of the veterans of this war are unsure what to do with their lives. A world of peace that they fought so hard for. But what will come of it? Shockwave is only certain about one thing and it's that after all these years, they've never stopped loving their Orion, the one they gave hell throughout the years of the war by crushing his hope that HIS Shockwave would come back. And Orion, is willing to stand next to them once more, because even he couldn't bring himself to stop loving them, even when they told him to give up on them.
Relationships: Optimus Prime/Shockwave, Orion Pax/Shockwave
Comments: 18
Kudos: 65
Collections: kage's shockop fics





	1. A New Slate

_ Everything _ was overwhelming. The moment they open their optic, the absolute crushing weight of guilt and regret causes them to double over in pain, clutching at whatever nearest to them to hear a groan of metal as their digits grip it so hard there were surely dents left. If they had a dermas they’d purge, waves of nausea pulsing through them. They compose themselves after a few minutes of processing, shakily standing up and resetting their optic various times, the red glow coming from it softening to a dim gold colour. But their vision was still blurred. It’s only a few moments of silence before they finally rasp out: 

“What... what have I _ done _?” 

* * *

_ Two months later _

The war was finally over. Once Megatron defected, the entire Decepticon infrastructure crumbled, Starscream standing triumphant in the wake and being the one to call a truce with the Autobots, creating a new Cybertron where he held a place of power in the new council established by both Decepticons and Autobots in good faith that neither would fall into dissent ever again. 

Shockwave, being among the survivors of the Decepticon cause, avoided the newly established capital, Iacon, that held the new council. Not because they held the same sentiments as before, no. It was because they carried a great guilt that plagued every thought, every action they made. It was only now they had managed to bear that guilt and trudge on through until the next day. When they first heard that Optimus Prime was to be among the new council, they decided they were going to Iacon and finally conquering the fear that followed close behind. But... not like this. Not as the violet heartless monster that followed every movement in Shockwave’s wake, its red optic boring a hole into their back. They manage to track down someone they worked with in the past, this doctor’s past war crimes excused and instead put to work, the doctor’s expertise having been put to use to help those who have experienced empurata. He gave the option for empurata victims to restore them to their former frame. Of course, some empurata victims had accepted their new frame with pride, but others were eager to go back to a time where they didn’t shoulder the trauma they were forced to go through. 

As for Shockwave, they’re nervous. Knowing this doctor was going to notice them immediately fills them with a sense of dread that only amplifies as they draw closer to the office. Usually, they would be elated over the fact that they were even able to _ feel _ an emotion, but worry weighed them down greatly. They continue forward anyway, pushing the doors to the doctor’s office open and step in. The waiting room for it is a good size and completely sanitary, it’s evident that the new council has provided the doctor with a pristine place for him to do his work. The white lights above illuminate the room almost too much, causing Shockwave to squint their golden optic just a little. To their relief, the waiting room is empty except for the receptionist, who is a very familiar face. It doesn’t exactly bring them comfort though. They walk up, not saying anything for a moment, examining the eyepatch the receptionist held, another scar from the war that ended only a short time ago. Nevertheless, they reset their vocaliser and speak.

“Hello, Breakdown,” Shockwave says evenly, hoping not to startle him. 

“Sh-Shockwave!” He’s surprised. Logic paths shoot messages into Shockwave’s HUD with a message to explain. After all, Shockwave had disappeared once regaining their emotions, having destroyed everything in their lab and disappearing into the night to pursue solitude and atone for the crimes they committed all throughout this war. So of course, that reaction is expected. “I honestly didn’t expect you to show up, a lot of us though you were deactivated when you... disappeared,” Breakdown says. 

“I’m alive and well, I’m sorry for making you worry,” Shockwave replies, voice sincere. “My absence was... unprecedented.” Their optic darts away in embarrassment. Breakdown can’t help but feel... unnerved to say the least. Shockwave understood why, they knew their tone of voice when speaking to Breakdown originally was monotone and held absolutely no emotion, in fact, whenever they interacted with anyone within the Decepticon ranks, that is what their voice had normally sounded like. Now, Shockwave was trying to make up for it by actually using tone when communicating, trying to reconnect with the passion that was abruptly cut off from them from the shadowplay. To Shockwave, it was a desperate grasp for the past, suddenly appreciative of the fact that they were known for their emotional outbursts. It meant they were genuine and not afraid of letting logic and emotion stand out, hand in hand. “I don’t know if Knock Out is busy right now but I’d... I’d like to schedule an appointment for a restoration project.” 

The door then opens, Knock Out coming out with a tired look on his face. He sighs and looks up, only to lock optics with Shockwave and freezes in his tracks. 

“Shockwave! You’re alive! What a surprise,” Knock Out says, approaching them with fake friendliness, arms outstretched. “You know we didn’t know what to think when you disappeared all those months ago but,” Knock Out gives a strained smile. “You’re here!” 

“I...” Shockwave tries to say something but can’t find the words and shuts their optic, letting out a sigh. “I know my past interactions with anyone among the Decepticons has made you afraid of me and. That’s precisely why I came here to ask you for a restoration project,” Shockwave explains. “There is someone I need to see, but I don’t.” They pause. “I don’t want to show myself to him in this way.” Knock Out’s optics widen with surprise with how Shockwave is speaking and he quickly changes his demeanour towards them, his fear of them suddenly going away as he recognises there’s no longer any threat Shockwave poses. 

“Well, it is my job after all,” Knock Out shrugs. “I have a slot open right now as I haven’t had any empurata victims come to seek my.. skills these past few days.” He places his claws onto his chest as he leans forward, self confidence practically radiating from him. Shockwave can’t help but feel annoyed from it. They hide that annoyance of course, because their frame will literally be in his servos a few minutes from now and it is a universal rule to never be rude to the one who will be taking care of you. “It’ll be completely painless, of course, you’ll go offline in an induced sleep and wake up in your new frame. Although, I’m sure you’re already familiar with it.” Shockwave was rather knowledgeable. Practically every Cybertronian knew that about Shockwave in the very least. 

“I am,” Shockwave replies. 

“Good! Then that makes this easier for me,” Knock Out says. He opens the door leading to the back. “After you.” Shockwave doesn’t say a word and goes in. After looking around the room briefly, they come to the conclusion this was a consultation room. At the far corner seemed to be a door leading to the actual procedure room. Shockwave sits in the single empty seat furthest from the desk. From what they could see, there were various medical records open on the screen, all from past empurata patients. When Knock Out walks into the room, Shockwave averts their gaze from the screen and only looks towards him. “Now, I’m going to have to access your memories through a cortical psychic patch. Do I have your permission?”

“Yes.” 

“Good, ‘cus if you said no, we couldn’t have gone through with the procedure,” Knock Out says, gesturing as he speaks. He leans forward, holding a cable and attaches it to the input port at the back of Shockwave’s neck. They watch the screen as their memories appeared, dread filling their very core once again. Knock Out, luckily, was merciful enough to skip past everything regarding the war and stops at a memory of Shockwave looking at their frame on the screen, about to apply their new paint on. Shockwave immediately recognises which memory that specifically was. “I didn’t think you were the kind to change your paint often,” Knock Out muses. “Although I’m curious as to why you wanted to go to such common colours,” he says out loud. Shockwave knew the reason why and they weren’t going to disclose it to Knock Out so easily. It was right before they went along with the common red and blue scheme to match with their conjunx, who they were hoping to court fully into conjunx endura at the time. It wasn’t surprising for Shockwave to realise they never stopped loving him when they regained their emotions. They suspected it after piecing it together, all those moments in the war where they and Optimus were met face to face, when it would have been more logical to kill him and end the war then and there, Shockwave could never bring themselves to do it. “Since I have the schematics from your memories, are there any changes you’d like to make?” Knock Out then asks, turning towards Shockwave this time with a new view on his patient. He originally thought Shockwave’s personality was always a cold, calculating being led by logic and only that but the memories suggested otherwise. Changing one’s colours suggested vanity. And someone who only followed logic wouldn’t have given into something that had to do with one’s appearance. Knock Out only knew of the empurata as that was something physical that everyone could see but the shadowplay… only a handful knew of that. After being asked that question by Knock Out, Shockwave thought for a few moments before coming to a decision.

“Yes,” they say. “If you would be able to, I’d like to have my frame slightly similar to my old design, and I fully intend to restore my flight mode.” They then glance down at the phase cannon they had as one of their arms, decommissioned at the end of the war as it proved no need anymore. “As for both of my servos, as this...” they gesture to their arm. “I don’t need it anymore and I _ never _want to use it again,” Shockwave finalises. Knock Out, to say the very least, was surprised, the expression very clear on his face. He then composes himself quickly and resets his vocaliser. 

“Well, then!” Knock Out says, standing up. “Let’s start the procedure then, shall we?”

* * *

As expected, the procedure was painless. One moment, Shockwave went offline in an induced sleep and woke up hours later, feeling rather out of place. With their former frame remolded, the weight distribution was vastly different and it was evident the numbing effect still lingered. Knock Out lets out a content sigh, happy with the work he had just done and looks rather proud. Like how an artist would after spending hours on a piece of work they worked tirelessly towards. Shockwave sits up slowly, attempting to fight the dissociating feeling and looks towards him. Knock Out doesn’t say anything and only monitors Shockwave as they proceed to look at the first thing in front of them. Their servos. They raise them and marvel at the tiny changes made but the most obvious change is how their right servos is no longer the cannon. For once they feel... happy. Knock Out then chuckles at what he sees and Shockwave turns towards him, curious to why he’s chuckling in the first place. 

“It’s always nice to see post empurata patients’ expressions for the first time,” Knock Out starts. “Like all the patients I’ve had before, your first expression is always a smile. I’m guessing you didn’t know you were doing it, huh?” Shockwave blanches at the thought, their expression going along with it. After years of only having an optic for a face, they were going to have to relearn to control their expressions if they ever wanted to be taken seriously. “It’ll take a few weeks to relearn it, although for some it only takes one,” Knock Out reassures. “Well, I’m supposed to close for the day, if there’s any complications within the first few days, make sure to come back here so I can make sure everything is going smoothly. But I have to say,” he says as Shockwave stood up from the medical berth. “You’re a pretty handsome mech.” Shockwave flushes and looks away, abashed. Their expression is obvious, of course, and they mutter a quiet thank you in response. “Good luck,” Knock Out then calls out as Shockwave stands up and walks out of the procedure room. 

“Thank you,” Shockwave replies louder this time, giving him a smile and exits the office. Their new optics look at their surroundings in front of them, a new appreciation blooming within them as they watch the sun set on the horizon. It had been a while since Shockwave viewed the sun setting on Cybertron. The last couple of months had been Shockwave holing themself in their temporary home, trying to find a way to cope with everything they felt. The first few days of regaining their memories were the worst for Shockwave, as they had wandered the ruins of an old Autobot outpost, taking refuge until the message that the war was over and it was time for everyone to come home. So they did. But they didn’t dare show their face in the open for the longest time. Going to see Knock Out had taken days of preparing, days of convincing themself that logically, if they wanted to see Optimus, they had to go out. It was only these few hours that some would see Shockwave in their empurata state and soon they would come out with a new frame, a new _ face _ . A completely new slate that Shockwave could rely on, as many didn’t know the face of Senator Shockwave unless they _ lived _ through that era. A more peaceful time, even if it were as corrupt as it was. The fact that Shockwave looked back to that time with nostalgia compared to this war they had to endure for the last four million years made them shudder. Perhaps it was because of Optimus, no, Orion, that made it more appealing. With a soft sigh, they shut their optics for a moment and stare ahead to watch the sun disappear. A sudden wave of emotions goes awash over them and they cry. For the first time in _ four million years _, they have the ability to cry. And they do. 


	2. A Much Needed Reunion

Shockwave wipes away the tears that stained their cheekplates, composing themselves with a shaky breath. A laugh then bubbles up within them, feelings of elation growing, threatening to burst out. They shift into their altmode, changing into the flight mode they’ve missed greatly. They shoot out into the night, a whoop leaving their vocaliser. The night air feels cool and refreshing against their metal plating, the feeling of freedom they experienced whenever they flew coming back to them. Shockwave never thought they would  _ feel  _ freedom again. They spend time soaring for hours in the sky, visiting areas that were still under construction, the lights going dark for the night as residents and workers below went into recharge. For a moment, Shockwave considered flying directly to Iacon but something else drew them towards Rodion. They descend, shifting out and landing on their pedes with a soft thud. In front of them stands the ruins of their academy, no longer standing as the beacon of hope for outliers as it used to. The academy was a victim to destruction in the early years of the war, with half of the building left in rubble, the other half standing pitifully. Shockwave examines the structure and sees that the building wouldn’t collapse if they were to enter. A wave of nostalgia washes over them as they walk up the steps of the academy, pushing open the doors and entering. The moonlight filters through the cracks of the ceiling near the destroyed half, whereas the rest of the standing structure is dark, the moonlight only reaching so far into the hallway. Shockwave turns on their lights and begins their journey down the hallway. They gently drag their servos along the wall as they walk down, optics landing on a door that they immediately walked over to. They pry open the door and step in, lights shining on Shockwave’s old lab. Off to the side is a door leading to their office. Without looking at the state their lab was in, they head to their office and enter. Much to their surprise, the office seems to have been untouched, evident that anything in here wasn’t much use for any scavengers trying to survive from this war. 

They look around for a moment before their light shines on a small screen sitting propped up on their desk. In a burst of emotion, they lunge for it, grasping it with their servos and looking at the screen in wonder, relief, nostalgia, and suddenly they find themselves crying once again. If they had tools installed in their servos like they had in the past, they would have brought the screen back to life again with a simple shock. And Shockwave knew this building was dead, the generators possibly taken apart to scrap or stolen to aid those in the war. They’d just have to wait until they get to Iacon to bring this memory back to life. They store it in their chassis for now and take a seat in their desk chair, the metal creaking slightly as it had rusted for millions of years. They were thankful it didn’t crumble under their weight, if it did, they surely would have gotten a laugh out of it. A smile graces their dermas and suddenly they feel tired, emotionally exhausted from the day. They fall into recharge with only one thought on their mind: they’re going to reopen this academy no matter what. 

* * *

They wake up with a start, standing up abruptly and stumbling for a moment as they regain their balance. Right. This new frame had a different weight displacement than before. They let out a quick exvent. Today was the day they were going to Iacon, the day they were going to the council hall and… and seeing Optimus for the first time in this new frame. That familiar feeling of nervousness and dread introduce themselves once again to Shockwave. 

“We’re going,” they say out loud to themselves, walking out of their office and towards the exit of the academy. “No matter what happens, I need to see Orion at least once again, in this frame. If. If he doesn’t feel the same as I do, not that I expect him to at this point, then I’ll at least tell him that I want to open this academy again.” They stop for a moment, guilt dripping into their conscience. “And that I deserve a trial to pay for my crimes,” they say, their voice lower and more quiet this time. They exit and change into their altmode, flying off towards Iacon. When Shockwave arrives, they’re surprised to see how normal everything looks. It made sense, after all Iacon was one of the first of many to be completely restored to its former glory and many of the unaligned, Decepticons, and Autobots alike began to reside within the city. What’s even better is that no one so much stops to gawk at Shockwave. To them, they’re just a normal Cybertronian, to them, they  _ aren’t  _ the war criminal that haunted Shockwave’s conscience. The council hall seems to be the former hall of records, what was once Cybertron’s largest library facility during the golden age, now was refitted to not only hold said records but house the council members’ meetings and debates. They ascend the stairs and enter the hall, Cybertronians of both sides traveling back and forth, various conversations going on within groups or pairs. Shockwave approaches the front desk, almost certain that their face is showing how nervous they are and they reset their vocaliser, gaining the attention of one of the secretaries at the front desk. It’s a bot Shockwave has never seen before and they know this bot wouldn’t recognise them. 

“I’m here to see Ori-” they stop and correct themselves. Orion was what he used to be called, it was Optimus now. But Shockwave couldn’t help call Optimus Orion. It was another nostalgic reach for the past and Shockwave knew they shouldn’t do that. “Optimus Prime. Is he available?”

“Do you have an appointment?” Shockwave blinks. 

“I’m sorry, I don’t,” they reply. Their spark sinks a little. They should have expected this. Running a new Cybertron within the first few months must have been frantic and incredibly busy after all. Their logic protocols in their processor send messages that it would make sense to visit later when he wasn’t as busy. But Shockwave said otherwise. They wanted to see him as soon as possible, instead of prolonging a much needed reunion. 

“May I get your name? We have a few openings within the next week,’ the secretary smiles. Shockwave’s face drops and they immediately go cold. Their name... It was surely going to reveal who they were now. Of course it was going to happen, they couldn’t have avoided it forever. They steel themselves and answer.

“My name is Shockwave,” they say quietly. There’s a clatter of a touch pad as it collides with the floor. And at that moment, the entire hall goes quiet. Fear fills them and they start trembling, the reaction they expected from everyone even worse than they thought. But then, they hear the sound of pedes colliding with the floor at a speed so fast, they know that  _ whoever _ it is they’re running and fast. Shockwave turns towards the noise and sees  _ him.  _ It’s  _ him  _ who’s running and it’s towards  _ them _ , as if his life depended on it. His mask snaps out of the way and Shockwave only catches a glimpse of tears in his optics before Optimus collides with Shockwave and envelops them in a crushing hug. He buries his helm in the crook of their neck and holds them close, as if letting go meant he was going to lose them  _ again _ . Shockwave’s response is immediate and they hug him back, trying so desperately to keep themselves from weeping in front of everyone in the hall. They’re relieved, they’re  _ happy _ . He remembers them, he still loves them. After all these years, he still loves them. “Orion,” they rasp out quietly. “I-”

“You don’t need to say anything,” Optimus says before they can say anything, his voice ever so soft. His helm is still buried in the crook of their neck, voice muffled, but Shockwave still hears it clear as day. “You’re back. That’s all that matters.”

* * *

Shockwave waits, they’re sitting in Optimus’ office right now having been escorted by him personally after Optimus sensed Shockwave’s discomfort in the hall as every optic was on them. After all, Optimus had completely stopped what he was doing, he was having a discussion those who needed answers and looking intently at a touch pad as he walked until he heard the name ‘Shockwave’ and then every rational thought flew out the window when he laid his optics on the familiar face he hadn’t seen in more than four million years. He knew it was them, he never forgot them after all. They wait. The elation of seeing Orion once again slowly leaving as nervousness took over them once again. They nervously tap their digits on the desk and hold the screen in their servos, tempted to use the power in the room to turn it on once again but they hold back. They want Optimus here to see it, it was his memory too after all. They look around the office once again in an attempt to curb their anxiety. It’s not at all lavish nor exactly large, there was a desk, a couple of chairs, and at the end of the room was a large window that overlooked Iacon. The office was rather clean and new nonetheless and had a pristine look to it. The door opens and Optimus steps in with a sigh, exhausted from the meetings and debates on how to run Cybertron efficiently and most importantly, equally. Shockwave stands up to meet him but they’re unsure what to do. They clutch the screen close to their chassis and hold it out to him. 

“I went to my academy yesterday,” they start, voice louder than they intended. “And I found this within the ruins. I didn’t power it up yet because. Well,” they can’t hide the smile that grows on their face, they don’t want to hide it. ”This is your memory too.” The two walk towards the desk and plug in the screen, the energy from the desk causing it to flicker to life. An image appears and Shockwave can’t help but smile widely, their optics brightening. Optimus watches their reaction intently before turning towards the image. The photo is of the two of them, smiling as if nothing was wrong with the world. The image moves and it looks as if Shockwave is laughing at something Orion had said under his mask before he snaps his mask open after Shockwave says something and kisses him, resting their forehead against his after they pull away. The image loops and Shockwave presses a digit on the scene, pausing the image to where the two are leaning their foreheads together. They look up to meet Optimus’ optics and he’s smiling brightly at them, his optics reminding them of a star. His mask is still snapped in place and Shockwave lets out a chuckle at his expression, knowing he’s smiling under that mask. “You never really gave up on me, did you? Even when I told you to,” they say softly. Optimus’ gaze softens and his mask snaps to the side. He takes their servos into his and holds it, his thumb rubbing into the palm of Shockwave’s servos affectionately. His optics are glued on it for a moment before they dart up to meet Shockwave’s. 

“I-” his glyphs die on his glossa before they come out. He suddenly kisses Shockwave, dermas pressing gently upon theirs before there’s more pressure out of desperation from him. Once again there’s that fear that he’s going to lose Shockwave forever, so he lingers, he stays there, still kissing them as tears begin to run down his cheekplates and Shockwave lets out a whimper as they try to hold back their own tears. Four million years of being apart, especially when the other half had their emotions cut off from them abruptly, the feelings of love suddenly disappearing and lost to them for such a long time was  _ terrifying.  _ Feelings of relief, love, regret, crash into them like waves and when Optimus pulls away from the kiss, they start let out a chuckle before crying again. It’s embarrassing but logic paths tell them these emotions haven’t been experienced in a while, it’s expected for them to react greater than they should. So they listen to those paths with no resistance and they lean their forehead against Optimus’, taking both of his servos into their hands and intertwining their digits. The two look into each other’s optics, a laugh leaving Shockwave’s dermas as they continue to cry when Optimus flashes a smile towards them, tears still flowing from his optics as well. In a burst of emotion, they hug him, frame trembling as they grip him tightly. Because for once after all these years, they feel like themselves again and they feel at  _ home _ . 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are they in character? We'll see in the next few chapters but c'mon, if you just recently regained your emotions, it's gonna be stronger than usual. Shockwave's gonna cry, these two need some rest.


	3. Still You Want Me

“You don’t understand, Optimus, I must be tried in the very least,” Shockwave says, a frown on their face. “Those crimes I’ve committed in that war must be addressed. My spark  _ cannot _ handle the weight guilt if I were allowed to walk freely as if nothing were wrong because what I did  _ is  _ wrong.” Optimus is quick to show worry, unsure whether or not the punishment Shockwave does get will take them away once again. The terrible thought of ‘forever’ forces Optimus to suppress a shudder. The two had been discussing this for the past half hour as the nostalgia and the session of suppressed affection was now over. Shockwave had more objectives other than to just see Optimus after all. And as much as they wanted for that moment to last forever, to stay in their former conjunx’s arms without having to worry about anything anymore, the guilt they carried would never grant them that peace. Not unless they faced that guilt head on and faced justice. Shockwave was so passionate in speaking about justice for those who have been oppressed, it would have been selfish and hypocritical of them to remotely avoid facing justice when this war had done so many things they would never have dared commit. Yet the logic paths and the shadowplay convinced them otherwise at the time, and there was no room, or time, for Shockwave to look back on sentimentalities or morals. Morals didn’t even exist for them when they were under shadowplay. After all, logic and morals never mixed together. 

“I won’t stop you, Shockwave, you know this,” Optimus says with some reluctance. “But...” he hates being selfish but the Senate took  _ his  _ Shockwave away from him and now they were back, against  _ all _ odds they were back, standing in front of him. And what was even better was that Shockwave  _ still loved  _ Optimus, their tears had told him enough. Even when Shockwave, post empurata, had flat out told Orion to give up on them, that  _ that _ was the last he would ever see of  _ his  _ Shockwave. But they were wrong and somewhere, deep down inside, he never gave up on them, he couldn’t bring himself to. That hope that threatened to diminish throughout those four million years, eventually snuffed out at the end of the war after being consistently reminded of whoever was residing in Shockwave and that  _ his  _ Shockwave was never coming back, came back as a fierce passionate inferno. Whoever that was in their frame during the war, Optimus knew it wasn’t  _ Shockwave _ . “I can’t,” he exvents. “I can’t lose you again,” Optimus says with finality. He’s being selfish, he knows it and Shockwave can’t help but chuckle out of empathy.

“You’re afraid,” Shockwave says. Their chuckle fades into a frown. “I am too,“ they then say quietly. They then take his servos into theirs and looks into his optics. There’s a certain brightness to them that causes a wave of nostalgia to grip Shockwave’s spark. “But you and I both know, what I did during the war was unacceptable and if I weren’t to face justice for it. I...” they trail off. “There’s nothing I can do to bring back all those lives I took, but I can at least find a way to recompense.” Optimus takes his servos out of theirs and raises it to cup Shockwave’s cheekplate. 

“You know that wasn’t you,” Optimus says softly, his optics seem pleading. 

“I know,” they reply, even softer. “The senate turned me into a monster that I don’t even recognise as myself. But it was my frame, my servos, my workings even then. And this monster still haunts me, Orion,” they say. “Even when I look in the mirror, all I see is  _ it _ . It follows me everywhere I go, living in my shadow as if it’s waiting to take control of me again.” They’re trembling in Optimus’ grasp again and he wraps his arms around them to comfort them. “But what I’m afraid of most is that one day, it’ll take over and I’ll never come back. And then, it’ll just be you. The only remaining memory of me, of Senator Shockwave, of the Shockwave who would, would laugh at the world one minute and throw punches the next, who was passionate about life, about love, about everything that is meaningful would live in you. And I’ve already made you suffer enough all those years during the war.” They laugh lightly out of regret. “Primus, I must have broken your spark the day you saw me post empurata. When you, you found out that I felt  _ nothing _ .” They know they’re rambling, but they want Optimus to hear them, to tell him that even throughout those years in the war, something within them fought against the shadowplay, that love they had for Optimus had been shown as mercy, mercy towards Optimus in keeping him away by holding back whenever fighting him. “Do you remember all the times I fought you face to face?” Shockwave says now, looking up into his optics. His attention has always been towards them, optics brightening in curiosity. “How I would always hold back, how I never once attempted to offline you even when logic paths always led to your… death being the end of the war once and for all? I could never,  _ never  _ bring myself to do it. And at the time I could never explain why, but I didn’t want to waste the time to explain them. New logic paths in my processor would appear saying ‘do not kill him’, ‘he’ll overpower you’, ‘leave him to Megatron’. All of these were faulty! Faulty! And yet I listened and I realise now it’s because. Because deep down, some part of me survived and it was my love for you. Can you imagine, something so… illogical as love somehow convincing that monster to not offline you?” they finish. They feel wetness on their cheekplates again, realising that somewhere along their rambling they started crying. There’s an outburst of emotion threatening to come out and they accept it, vocaliser breaking up as they choke out the words they should have said to him all those years ago. “I love you, Optimus. I  _ never _ stopped loving you,” Shockwave confesses. Shockwave watches his reaction, Optimus’ optics brightening, a smile breaking out, optics welling up with tears.

“I never thought I’d hear that from you,” Optimus replies quietly, smile still on his face. “I never thought I’d  _ see _ you again,” he says this time, Shockwave notices he’s holding back tears. “I never gave up on you, even then I thought that was just a fantasy, a false hope for me to think that not everything I loved and cherished was taken away from me, but the day I stopped believing that the real you would come back long into the war...” his vocaliser cracks. “When I heard your name earlier today, all I could feel was… dread. Seeing you like that during the war, was a pain I had gotten used to but I suppose… that pain still affected me deeply. But then I saw _ you _ . And... my processor went blank… and all I thought, was that my Shockwave had finally come back. When I ran,” Optimus recalls. “I felt like I was running like my life had depended on it.” He stops for a moment. “And now you’re here in front of me,” Optimus says, voice finally cracking as the amount of emotions in him became overwhelming. “Saying ‘I love you’ to me after all these years.” 

“I’m sorry it took so long for me to say it back to you,“ Shockwave says. The Prime places a chaste kiss on Shockwave’s forehead. 

“You don’t have to apologise,” Optimus says quietly. “I knew even when we were together all those years ago back in Rodion… that you loved me.” Shockwave cups his cheek this time, a smile breaking out on their dermas.

“And I still do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to write so much for these two but it's so difficult to convey, god.


	4. The Trial

“As you stand among the council and in front of all of Cybertron, how do you plead?” 

“Guilty,” Shockwave says with honesty. There’s murmurs amongst the crowd as they sit in front of the podium. 

“Shockwave...” Optimus says, his voice is filled with worry. Shockwave hears him and looks towards him with a serious expression. 

“You and I both know I had to atone for the atrocities I’ve committed during this war,” they reply quietly. 

“May I ask what these atrocities are?”

“I’m willing to list them,” Shockwave says, their voice is steady and once again has shifted into a more scientific tone. “The atrocities I’ve committed during this war… are inexcusable,” they start, helm lowering down in shame. “At the time, I did experiments. On live Cybertronians, specifically captured Autobots that Megatron had sent to me upon the agreement I design weapons schematics and armor for those amongst the Decepticon cause. These experiments involved me injecting synthetic energon into the patients and taking note of the results. After they had no use for me anymore, I...” The memory of their victims’ screams echoed in their processor and they shuddered, lowering their gaze down to the podium. They can’t look Optimus in the optic while they say this. “I’d melt them down into metal for resources after draining them of their energon.” The crowd is silent. Starscream, who is among the tribunal and watching this tries to suppress a shudder. He had seen this in person after all and the memories were something he’d wanted to never have to bring up again. Shockwave’s frame is visibly shaking now and their voice is laced with regret. “I didn’t-” their voice cracks as a sob racks through them, they cut their vocaliser off and let out a shaky exvent to compose themselves. “I didn’t even put them out of their misery beforehand, logic dictated it would have been a waste of resources to do that.” They try to compose themselves but it’s difficult to suppress the emotions, after all, four million years of no emotion leaves one out of practice. But they try. They need to tell them everything. They need to be transparent. So they stay silent for a moment and shut their optics. And then Shockwave confesses to everything. When they finish, the entire courtroom is silent. A few bots had to leave in the middle of the confession as it brought back traumatic memories. War is a terrible, terrible thing and it always leaves their marks on those who survive. 

“The tribunal and the jury will go over everything and when we come to a decision, that will decide your fate,” the judge’s voice echoes. “Spectators may leave if they’d like or stay until the decision has been made.” There’s shuffling and murmurs among the crowd and a few leave while others stay. A few guards approach Shockwave and gruffly tell them that they’re to be held in a secure room for the time being for the council to come to a verdict. They nod and stand up, walking off the stage meekly. They don’t dare make any optic contact with the crowd, their EM field is practically dripping with shame and regret. They can feel it though. The hard hostile gazes, the ones who are sympathetic and pitiful, or the ones who are still trying to piece everything together from all the information Shockwave gave. It’s all so… overwhelming. 

When they enter the holding room and are left alone, they fall to their knees and cover their face with their servos. They can’t even cry or sob, but everything they said out there crashes into them with realisation. The guilt is too much. They whimper, frame shaking violently as their EM field fritzed out with the amount of emotions swimming around in their processor. There’s bits and pieces Shockwave can recognise as they curl up on the ground, hugging their legs close to their chest. Anger, anguish, grief, regret, fear, sadness, guilt,  _ guilt _ ,  ** _guilt_ ** _ .  _

The door opens with a creak and Shockwave looks up pitifully to see Optimus standing there with a surprised look on his face. He immediately goes down to meet them, pulling them into a hug. Shockwave still trembles in his grasp but they hold onto him tightly. 

“I’m a monster, aren’t I, Optimus,” Shockwave murmurs quietly. Optimus doesn’t answer for a moment and only hugs Shockwave tighter. 

“If you were a monster, Shockwave, I wouldn’t be here next to you,” Optimus replies. Shockwave can’t help but laugh weakly as they begin to cry. They’re holding onto Optimus even tighter this time and can’t help but smile.

“I love you so much,” they exhale sharply through their laugh. The two hold each other for a few more moments before the door opens and the two stand up, letting each other go. The two look towards the door and see Starscream standing there. 

“Shockwave, it’s time to announce your sentence,” Starscream says, what looks to be relief on his face. “Optimus, you already know, is that why you’re in here?” 

“He hasn’t told me anything yet, I was… indisposed earlier,” Shockwave replies, slightly embarrassed. 

“Hm.” Is all Starscream replies. “Well, let’s go and get this over with, I’m not surprised with how light your sentence is.” 

“What does that mean?” Shockwave says defensively. 

“Just get out there and find out yourself,” Starscream replies, annoyed with Shockwave. He was much more confident of being himself around them. They recalled how scared they were of Shockwave. It made sense, the Shockwave during the war was a butcher and didn’t get along well with anybody. They never cared to at the time. The three walk out and into the courtroom once again. They see a few bots have left during the wait time, but some newsbots as well as spectators stayed to see what would happen to the former Senator. They feel nervous. Of course they would. They go back to where they were sitting earlier and watch as the Council shuffles in, Optimus having left their side a while ago to join them. When they all sit down, Shockwave feels their core temperature drop all of a sudden. 

“Shockwave, former student of Jhiaxus,” the judge’s voice echoes through the courtroom. “After much debate, we have weighed your crimes and come to a conclusion.” There’s a pause for effect. Of course. “We find you guilty of the crimes committed in the war.” Shockwave isn’t devastated at that fact. “For your sentence, we have come to a decision as well. You are still coming up with a way to solve Cybertron’s energon crisis, correct?” Shockwave’s surprised in the very least.

“Yes,” they reply evenly. 

“Given that the situation regarding our energon crisis is still at hand, the point has been brought up that you will be useful in this. Because of this, your sentence is house arrest. You are not to leave your home or lab without a parole officer. That parole officer will be Optimus Prime.” Shockwave looks over towards Optimus with a confused look. 

“I’m sorry, lab?” Shockwave then says, looking back towards the judge. 

“You’re going to need the tools to help solve this energon crisis, aren’t you?” the judge replies. “You’ll be working alongside our top scientists as well to ensure this crisis is solved quickly.” There’s another pause. “Do you accept these terms?”

“Yes.” 

“Then this trial has come to an end, you will meet with your parole officer in the holding room.” And with that, the crowd disperses and Shockwave feels a great weight on their shoulders as they’re escorted to the holding room. They’re brilliant enough to solve the energon crisis yes, but that meant having to go back through thousands of years of research compiled by the cold side of Shockwave. They suppress a shudder and enter the holding room once again, sitting in the chair and waiting for Optimus to enter. After a few minutes of waiting, the door opens again and Optimus is standing in the doorway. Shockwave stands up to meet him and he holds his servos out for them to take. Optimus can’t help but smile at the blush that creeps up on Shockwave’s face as he holds his servos out and they give him an awkward smile as they take it. Their digits intertwine and a smile grows on Optimus’ face under the mask. He resets his vocaliser to get down to business.

“As your parole officer,” Optimus starts. “You’ll be moving in with me at my apartment. Unless you have a place to stay?” he then asks, his optics darting towards them. Shockwave lets out a sigh. 

“The only place I’d have for shelter is the academy and… you and I both know that it’s in shambles,” Shockwave replies. “I’m going to have to put restoring the academy aside if I’m to work on the energon crisis.”

“Do you still have your data?” Optimus asks this time. 

“I always manage to back up my research, even if I destroyed my lab when I first… regained my emotions,” Shockwave replies, their voice falling quiet at the end. 

“Why?”

“Hm?”

“Why did you destroy your lab?” Optimus clarifies. 

“I was angry. It’s not exactly the best feeling when four million years of emotions finally come flooding back as responses to situations I had been in in the past. All I felt was anger whenever I looked at my lab, as I recalled everything that went on within there. What I  _ did  _ for the Decepticons. What I did to… to those subjects as if they were merely tools for what I needed to do,” Shockwave says quietly but speaking about it is beginning to upset them. “I just wanted to destroy everything because I couldn’t stand the fact  _ I  _ did that,” they murmur. Optimus only frowns to what they say and squeezes their servos in a way to comfort them. The two exit the council hall and the two are immediately bombarded by newsbots. A flash blinks in front of their optics and they raise their arm to block the brightness as various photos are taken of them and Optimus. Optimus lets go of their servos and walks in front of them, the photographers parting with an air of respect as Shockwave follows closely behind him. He ignores the questions and opens the door for Shockwave to go into the shuttle. Optimus doesn’t get in immediately after as he turns to face the newsbots. 

“I will answer all your questions another time, for now, I must be escorting Shockwave to start their sentence,” he announces, his voice almost commanding. Everyone’s entranced, he was the Autobot leader after all and he doesn’t say another word, only entering the shuttle. He inputs the coordinates and sits beside Shockwave. There’s a moment of silence before Shockwave can’t help but laugh. 

“You always managed to carry your voice very well haven’t you,” Shockwave chuckles. “Even when I first saw you on the senate floor all those years ago.”

“Those were simpler times and I was a lot more reckless back then,” Optimus smiles, his mask snapping away.

“If you weren’t reckless, I never would have met you,” Shockwave replies. They smile at him and they take his servos into theirs once again. “Simpler times though?“ they quirk their brow at Optimus and he chuckles.

“Simpler, not better,” he says. “Anything at this point is better than the war,” he hums. Shockwave can’t help but silently agree. They lean against Optimus as the shuttle continues to move towards their destination. 

“I wonder what could have been if I had sided with you at the beginning,” Shockwave asks quietly. 

“Then we wouldn’t be here.”

“Where would we be?”

“Bonded. And possibly traveling out there in the universe. Among the stars.”

“I’m not sure about the traveling but there is one thing I know we can do even in this instance,” Shockwave says. 

“And what may that be?”

“Well if you’d like…” they start. “I think I’d like to continue the conjunx ritus with you.” Optimus shuffles and feels an arm wrap around them. They look up to see Optimus with a wide smile, optics brighter than they’ve ever seen. He kisses the top of their helm and pulls them close. 

“It’d be an honour to become your conjunx endura.”


	5. Intertwined

_ It’s staring at them coldly and steps forward, the large purple figure approaching them slowly, red optic fixed only on them. “You won’t succeed in solving the energon crisis. Not without me. It would be illogical for you to continue without me when I knew the solution.” They can’t speak and they feel the darkness creeping in around them as it continues to walk. It’s beginning to feel like static as if they were no longer part of their frame, the dissociation settling in in a way that struck fear through Shockwave’s spark. “The only solution would be for me to get rid of you. Forever.” It stops right in front of them, voice monotone and cold. “Only I will remain.”  _

They wake up with a jolt. Internal core temperatures much lower than they would have considered and Shockwave looks around as they are sitting up in the berth. Warm, yellow sunlight filters in through the windows and the sound of Cybertronians just beginning to go about their day is muffled through the fibreglass. They’re brought back to reality even more as their sensors detect an arm wrapped around them protectively. They look down to their side to see Optimus still recharging, his mask detached on the nightstand beside him. His optics are shut and he looks peaceful. Shockwave can’t help but smile for a moment but feel panic set in from earlier. They manage to wriggle out of Optimus’ grasp and head to the washracks to attempt to clear their processor. The washracks are humble, a mirror hanging above the sink for whenever Optimus or Shockwave need to wash something off quickly. They look at themselves in the mirror for a moment before bending down and turning the sink on to splash cold water on their face to try to bring them out of the oncoming panic. Their optics dart back up to the mirror once again and they yelp when they see the violet helm and red optic staring back at them in the reflection, startled to the point where they fell back, lifting their arms up in fear as a way to attempt to protect themselves. They impact against the wall with a loud thud, immediately waking up Optimus in the other room. Warning pings are flashing in their hub and Shockwave scrambles to put themselves back together. 

Optimus bursts through the door, his panicked optics darting down to see Shockwave getting up. He doesn’t hesitate to help them up and Shockwave clings to Optimus as a way to ground themselves, to at least tell them that all of this was real and they were still here. 

“Are you alright?” Optimus asks, worry heavy in his voice. Shockwave feels embarrassed, ashamed, among other feelings. They look back at the mirror and see their face, their teal and lime paint, their bright blue optics. 

“Yes,” they finally answer. “I’m sorry for causing you to worry.”

“What happened?” Optimus asks, he’s still holding onto them and let’s go once he realises Shockwave is standing, no longer needing any assistance. Shockwave, though, places their servos on top of his to stop him from letting go. Their EM field is almost overwhelmingly full of panic and fear. Optimus’ own EM field reaches out to comfort them, their fear slowly dissipating to a more calm, neutral field. He’s patient as Shockwave takes their time to answer what he asks. They feel embarrassed once again as they finally get the words out of their mouth. 

“I had a nightmare.” 

“Can you tell me what it was?” Optimus replies softly. He’s gentle and patient with his words, optics dim in worry as he holds them. They don’t want to tremble again. They can’t go through the embarrassment. Optimus leads them into the habsuite and sits them down on the berth. Shockwave tries desperately to sort their panicked feelings out and vocalise what they want to say but the glyphs continue to die on their glossa as they attempt to speak. With an irritated sigh towards themselves, they straighten up and shut their optics. 

“I saw  _ it _ ,” they start. Their servos ball up tight into fists. “How it was going to… take over my frame once again and make sure I never come back...” they begin to tremble in fear now as they recall the nightmare. “Even if it’s just a dream… why do I feel so scared, that I really will be gone forever.” Optimus didn’t hesitate to take their servos into his in attempt to comfort them and to make sure they didn’t hurt themselves, kneeling down in front of them. He knew, even how they were when they got nervous or  _ scared.  _ Constantly rubbing their servos together or balling them up tight into fists, often digging their digits into their palms. They didn’t even know until it drew energon. His digits work their way to relaxing their palm and intertwining his digits with theirs. The gesture grounds them and Shockwave’s trembling isn’t as bad as before. 

“That won’t happen,” Optimus then says with finality. Shockwave looks down towards him, watching his stern serious expression.

“How, how do you know that?” Shockwave asks quietly. 

“Because I won’t let it. Because I’ll be here with you, by your side, no matter what,” Optimus replies. His voice is steady and there’s no doubt, no wavering. He truly believes in that. His optics tell them everything and they’re bright, they’re hopeful. His expression is so full of fondness for them and Shockwave can’t help but smile. “Open your spark panel,” Optimus then says quietly. Shockwave’s optics widen in surprise. Watching his own chest panels shift to the side to reveal his spark, a soft electric blue pulse coming from it. 

“What?” they squeak out. 

“I want to show you I mean it,” Optimus explains softly.

“What about the conjunx ritus?” Shockwave asks. 

“We can fulfill all those acts later but…” Optimus’ optics flickered down and up to theirs. “I suppose I’m being impatient for once,” he chuckles. They don’t answer and open their own chest panel as well, the plates shifting to the side, revealing their own spark. It feels weird to be so exposed like this. But with Optimus, all they can feel is safe. He stands up, his servos still in theirs as they are pulled up to meet his height. Shockwave’s face flushes with energon at how close the two are, sparks exposed. The two are pulsing in their own rhythm, still embedded within their chassis. Optimus then began to push out his spark towards theirs, Shockwave being unable to take their optics off of it. 

“Optimus,” they called out softly, optics flickering back up to him. He’s looking at them like they’re everything to him, dermas pulled into a soft smile, optics brightened. They push their own spark out now, both of their optics darting down this time to see how close they were. The electric tendrils reach out towards each other and interact for a split second here and there, both glowing balls of light. 

“Are you ready?” Optimus asks, pulling them out of their trance. He’s looking at them again. Their response is almost immediate. 

“Yes,” they breathe. And Shockwave’s spark surges forward just ever so slightly as they say that and Optimus joins in almost immediately and once the two sparks merge, swirling together with ease, Shockwave is almost overwhelmed by the memories and feelings that they feel. They feel everything  _ he _ feels and see  _ everything _ he went through. The war, the halls of Iacon when he was first a librarian, becoming a police captain, storming the Senate, meeting  _ Shockwave _ , how he  _ fell in love with them _ , they could feel how  _ heartbroken _ he was after their empurata. How much he’d suffered leading during the war, how much weight and guilt he carried. The quiet moments during the war where Optimus simply sat on his makeshift berth, tired beyond belief with everything that came about and sobbing quietly into his servos as he hid his face. He’d suffered so much. They all did. Their arms subconsciously moved to grip his own as they mourned for all that lost time, all those moments when they could have been there to comfort Optimus, biting back a sob that threatened to come out. Their memories from the past surged through the bond, both of them seeing everything Shockwave had done, before and during the war, their political career, their outburst with Proteus, the academy, the Senate hall the day Optimus burst in, falling in love with him, the empurata, feeling  _ nothing _ , telling Optimus that they felt nothing and that he should give up, but what stood out the most was the hesitation that came everytime Optimus and Shockwave were face to face during the war, their cannon would falter, unable to shoot at him. So many times they’ve turned and walked away from the fight. Optimus sees what Shockwave does when they get their emotions back, he sees them going to Knockout to get their frame back, he sees them talking to the clerk nervously, afraid to give their name but they’re both glad they did. He sees himself running towards Shockwave. And everything comes together. 

All Shockwave can feel is bliss and relief. Optimus embraces them, burying his helm in the crook of their neck now as he holds onto him tightly. 

“I love you,” he murmurs. And Shockwave can physically  _ feel  _ the amount of love Optimus has for them. They don’t even need to say it in return, because they know he can feel how much love they have for him too. They hug him back tightly, their servos grabbing the back of his shoulders and their helm lowering down to nuzzle into his neck cables. These feelings are almost overwhelming but Optimus holding onto them, never letting go, keeps them together and they begin to tremble again. They let out a weak laugh in the crook of his neck and feel tears run down their cheekplates. They’re so relieved, they’re so happy. And at that moment they knew, everything was going to be fine, everything was going to get  _ better _ . That both of them were going to love away the fear that plagued Shockwave, both of them were going to heal together, that they were going to stay next to each other. No matter what. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I cut this short but it was difficult to come up with a good plot for this so I hope this is enough! I really love these two deeply and I guess I just want a happy ending for them. I just want them to heal together and be happy and I hope I communicate that well.


End file.
